Measured by a Lotus
by Klavieres
Summary: Everyone has his or her bad day.


**I do not own  
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**-xXx-  
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Everyone has his or her off day.

Kanda just hasn't had one before.

It struck him as odd, really, the way he woke up that morning and just _didn't_...want to do _anything_.

To get up, to get dressed, to go to breakfast, to see the people who called themselves his friends, to take a mission, to work for the Order.

To _breathe_.

It was alarming, really, the sudden revelation of him possibly not wanting to live anymore, and it had him staring at the ceiling for almost an hour.

What was the point, really? He hated the Order; he hated fighting in its name, even though he was fighting akuma and Noah and he hated them, too. He hated that he was so different from everyone else; that when asked by Lenalee or Lavi or a Science Department guy about what he had done as a kid, he couldn't answer, because he had never really _been_ a kid. He hated that he couldn't see his so-called "friends" faces half the time because all he saw was goddamned _lotus flowers._ He hated that he was an experiment; he hated that he was technically only nine years old even though he had the appearance and mentality of an eighteen year old. He hated that his life was measured by the amount of petals on a lotus in an hourglass. He hated that he had scars from the synchro testing when he was younger and that people asked about them because he couldn't answer. He hated that he had killed his best friend, and he hated that he was searching for someone he didn't even _know_. He couldn't think of her name, her face. Hell, he didn't even know if she was _alive_.

He was so struck by such a serious, sudden bout of depression that he was honestly looking thoughtfully at Mugen in the corner.

"Yuu-chan!"

The sudden banging on his door made him jump, his heart racing, and made him feel even more off because usually he could tell if someone was even in the _hallway_, yet Lavi had caught him completely by surprise.

He sighed, forcing himself to sit up. He felt heavier, and wondered if it would be alright if he just stayed in bed for the rest of the day.

"_Yuuuu!_" Lavi whined, "When are you gonna get up! It's eleven, now, you won't have time to eat breakfast unless you get up now!"

Kanda didn't shoot some biting comment back like he normally would have, only stood up and went about getting dressed, all the while staring at the lotus sitting on his dresser.

"Jeeez," Lavi sighed when Kanda walked out of his room. He was sitting beside the door, but stood up when it opened. "Come on, Yuu, we're gonna be late!"

"Don't call me that," Kanda ordered as he turned without waiting for Lavi and started walking towards the cafeteria, though his command didn't have nearly enough acid in it as it should have.

Something must have apparently thrown the Bookman off, because he quieted down for a moment, and Kanda could feel his emerald gaze glued to the back of his head.

"What?" he snapped exasperatedly, feeling a small twinge of that familiar irritation.

"Nothing!" Lavi twittered cheerfully, walking beside Kanda and throwing his arm around his shoulders. "Ne, Yuu, you okay?"

Of course not. Why would he be?

"I'm fine," Kanda replied gruffly, shrugging the arm off. "And I told you not to call me that."

His shoulders felt considerably colder without Lavi's arm there.

Lavi frowned, his gaze sharpening even more, before he shrugged, "Well, if Yuu says so..."

They approached the cafeteria doors and Kanda spotted Lenalee waiting for them, along with a less-than-enthusiastic Allen.

"There you are!" she walked forward to meet them with a kind smile. "We were wondering where you were." She looked like she was restraining herself from hugging him, and Kanda briefly wondered why. Some part of him almost _wanted_ her to.

"And you call _me_ old," Allen complained, pouting at the buffet he called breakfast being delayed. "What happened, you strain your back, BaKanda?"

Lavi briefly frowned at Allen, for some reason Kanda couldn't fathom, and Allen's brows furrowed in confusion.

Kanda just grunted in reply, walking past the two and through the doors. He almost paused at the sight of the Third Exorcists, who had all turned to look at him as soon as he walked in. His expression became even more stony at the slight hint of awe in some of them. He knew they were basically made with the cells of a Second Exorcist like himself, but many times he had wondered _whose_ cells, because it certainly wasn't his. He wondered briefly if they had _his_ body stored somewhere in cold storage, only to see it when they needed more cells.

It didn't help his mood.

Lavi paused beside him, and Kanda realized he had been standing in line, with Jerry, the cook, looking at him expectantly with a twinge of concern.

"The usual for both of us," Lavi answered for him when he saw Kanda's fingers slowly curling into fists. Kanda didn't object when he was basically herded to the table they normally sat at and his meal was set in front of him. It didn't take long until Lenalee, Allen, and Allen's mountain of food to join them. Lenalee sat to the right of him, the other side being taken up by Lavi, and Allen sat across from them with his pile of food set to the side.

Since when had it been so crowded? Kanda frowned. It seemed as if every other acquaintance of his had crowded themselves onto the table they were sitting at. He was sitting so close to Lavi and Lenalee that air was basically nonexistent between them, and he wondered when he would get annoyed enough to leave. Lenalee seemed to be leaning into him more than was necessary, and Lavi was typically being annoying by poking him repeatedly in the side.

When Kanda looked at Lenalee to see if she knew he was basically holding her up, he blinked in surprise when she caught his gaze and smiled gently, bumping her shoulder against his.

Another poke in his side sent his anger flaring, and he whipped around to glare at Lavi. Lavi grinned impishly, almost victoriously, and held up his index finger in warning of another poke before doing the same as Lenalee and bumping their shoulders. Kanda frowned in confusion. What was _with_ them?

"Daydreaming again, BaKanda?" Allen sighed from the other side of the table where he was crammed between Crowley and Timothy. "It's amazing how you can survive an akuma battle when you're as spacy as you are."

"It's amazing how you can do _anything_ with that disgusting hand of yours," Kanda shot back spitefully.

Surprisingly, Allen didn't even get offended or make another comment. He just grinned.

Kanda made a face. Why was everyone acting so _weird_?

Komui had popped up to threaten Link for sitting so close to his precious Lenalee, and Kanda and the rest of their motley group busied themselves with being amused at Link's expense.

In the middle of smirking slightly when Komui had chased a rather ruffled Link away from the table entirely, Kanda blinked when he remembered the terrible mood he had been in originally. Was his life really as terrible as he was thinking it to be?

He looked around the table, watching everyone laugh at the scene as Lenalee scolded her brother for trying to chase away every male that ever came near her.

Kanda's face ducked down so that his small smile wouldn't be seen.

Nah, he'd be fine.


End file.
